Today is my grandmothers birthday. Her name was Matilda Paredes and she is who I am named for. If she was alive she would be 90 years old today. She passed away in March of 2000, three months after I moved to Utah. I grew up very close to my Grandma, as my sisters did. We saw her daily growing up and I continued that until I moved away. I spent most of my free time with her and she was so special to me. The last memory of my Grandma that I have before leaving is sitting on her bed and holding her hand. I remember at the time staring at her hand. We had been talking and Grandma had told me her hopes for me and for what I would teach Siobhan and Oscar. After that we just sat, holding hands and I just stared at them. I really wanted to remember exactly what they looked like. They had spent years stroking our hair, making us meals, getting us dressed and sometimes, spanking us. She devoted her life to us. She was the reason I had a hard time leaving. When she had her stroke my parents flew me home and we stayed at the hospital with her. I felt such guilt for leaving her, she had asked that we stay.
When my grandmother left I had a really hard time. I did really bad things and acted really badly towards a lot of people who loved me. I was completely lost without her and didn't really want to be here anymore. Siobhan and Oscar were my two bright spots. Siobhan said she came to her at night and that was a big comfort to me. I still have a really hard time without her. I don't talk about her much because it is too difficult. Some may think I have forgotten her but I think of her everyday. She is why I have become a better person. I want to live up to our name. I imagine her watching me now and looking over my babies. How I wish she could have known Hans and Olive. And Pete. I ask her, "How am I doing grandma pajama?" Sometimes I pretend she is riding in the car with me like she used to. I tell her how my life is now. I think it's pretty good. And now when I meet people I don't say "You can call me Mattie", I say proudly, " Hello, I'm Matilda."
2 comments:
geez a lou~at first i thought the picture was of you mom,then i went on and could see siobhan with granma,then oh how sweet i thought we have that same picture of granma holding oscar. so i figured i should read the words~guess who? no one will ever wonder who the the mother of those children are! its amazing how you all look alike even your mom! you had a wonderful granma matilda!!! i think she admires you from above the way you admired her, love ya,norahxoxoxo
You make me cry... not that it takes much these days. But I love that you love that much. And I love you!
Post a Comment